I don't mean to whine but...

Look I feel completely useless. Much like I'm an extra anchor weighing down my family.I can't find a job, so they have to pay for college for me. And on top of that, I can't even manage to keep my scholarship, the one thing I did to contribute to paying for my education. I also managed to hit a parked car after driving my own vehicle for almost two years. How stupid do you have to be? I didn't tell my parents that day. I don't know why. I was scared and frustrated. I also thought it would be better to tell them in person. But the insurance company called them first, so that's how they found out.

All in all, It's come to the point where all I do is take money that they struggle to get, and end up throwing it away because I am some sort of chronic screw up. I just hate feeling like all I do is suck money away. I hate feeling like such a burden. I feel terrible because they work so hard and I never have been able to show how much I care that they do.

I know this is whiny and the solution is to go out and fix it. I know. But many things are easier said then done. I won't stop trying but I get so sick of making stupid mistakes that hurt others, you know?

Finally they are out!

So my sister wrote this poem for me. She used things that I have said throughout it. I wanted to share because I think it's a beautiful poem and because it really made me feel better reading it.

It's Her

It's so dark here
It used to feel like the stars
Looking up and knowing your problems aren't that big
You're okay, wherever you are

Now it's claustrophobic
Me and the blue
Then she comes out of it and I just can't breathe
There's nothing I can do

She's the insomnia
Suffocating me
Wish she'd just take what she wants away
And then she'd leave

When I can't pretend
When I'm alone and I'm done
That's when she decides to whisper her words
Steal all the composure I've won

Help me feel again
I'm so afraid of hurting
Her eyes in my brain, they're killing me over and over
Look into my soul, it's burning

What have I done?
I thought this would be okay
There was nothing else I could have done to save the world
Now there's no way

No way to move on
No way to go back
I can't figure this out, I thought I made the right choice
From sun and oceans to consuming black

I hate feeling
Like I'm doing something wrong
Try to pretend their attempts to console mean anything
But I've been hurting all along

I've got to find the light
Find somewhere to turn
There's a reason I'm lying, there's a reason I can't sleep
-It's her

Something's missing.

Last semester our apartment had the coolest roommate ever, named Derick. This kid was so epicly awesome. He just was. It cannot be put into words. But now he is gone to his mission (good luck man). So I'm happy for him, but the apartment defiantly does not feel the same. Bummer

Side note- classes start tomorrow! :D

Up at Night

You stare at the cards, willing them to play out right in your solitaire game. Actual solitaire, not on the computer. That's busy playing Sonny Rollins anyway.

Your roommate sits to your right, watching How I met Your Mother. He can't sleep either. He just broke up with his girlfriend. He acts OK but you can tell he's hurting.

You look back to your game. There's just not enough empty spaces for all four kings. Knowing you can only guess, you move the red king on the left to the empty spot. This results in a loss. As you check the other three to see what they had hiding underneath them, you realize that any other move would have resulted in a win. You sit and wonder for a moment how your luck is that bad.

You cough as you stack the cards back up, pretending that's not blood you taste in the back of your throat. You shuffle the deck and prepare for a new game. You notice how calming shuffling the cards is, then wonder why, because that is a weird thing to calm someone down. You make up and answer to give yourself- along the lines of its a soothing rhythm and it's repetitive- and prepare to deal out another game.

You start to wonder why you can't sleep, then you stop wondering, because you already know. But you also don't want to think about why you can't sleep, so you turn back to your game of solitaire, hoping this time you'll win.

Look I know I'll never get past this one but...

I'll fight you forever
I will think you're wrong until I find out it's right
I rarely will see things from your point of view
I will mistrust you
I will believe I hate you
I will shun you, turn my back on you, scorn you, and try to forget about you

BUT

You will never cease to amaze me
I will always look up to you
You will always be my greastest teacher
You will always forgive me
You will bail me out when I need you most
You will always care for me, think about me, worry about me, and be with me

Because you love me
I know I have trouble showing you, but I love you to

You will always be my parents

New Years

Look I know it's tacky and cliche to write about you wonderful New Year's Resolution and how it's gonna 'change your life' and how you're 'becoming a better person' but I really don't care and I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyways.
This resolution is coming from a lot of self reflection so it's not just a bunch of BS. I've noticed that though I say I want things or I am someone, I don't act that way. For example- I say I am a musician. But do I put in the hours to be one? Have I tried to write any music? Do I treat my practice time like it should? Not nearly enough. And this is just one part of this problem.
So, my resolution- and I feel that putting it in writing will help make it more real- is to act like who I am, and who I want to be. This is on all aspects of life- school, family, friends, love, religion... the list is long. The point is, I recently realized how freaking awesome I am, but also that I am not living up to my awesome potential. So there it is.
2012, please prepare yourself. I am about to become kickass.

Just a sad song, or are these the good days?

I can't sleep and it' one in the morning. I'd like to be able to blame it on the insomnia, but tonight it's something more.
It's her.
I don't understand how she can make me cry when she's not even here. I thought I was ok but in the dark all alone your feelings that you manage to hide even from yourself manage to take hold. It's shocking and terrifying knowing what a hold one person can hold over you. I don't think that twenty years from now I'll scratch my head and try to remember her name. This is something that has touched and changed me, enough that I will never forget. I know I care so why is it so hard to give in? Is she right? have I changed that much since I've been gone, so much that I don't even know myself? Or is it that she is part of a world I left behind, and the one I now am in is much more selfish?
I don't know. All I know is there is no end of things that make me think about it. A blanket, a song, a word, a smell. These things all conjure up ghosts of extremely cherished memories. If I was so happy before, why do I find it so hard to feel happy now?

Classifiaction and Division- White Lies

Little White Lies- everyone tells them, no matter what they believe. I tell them as often as society demands it, and sometimes a little more. I believe that they are necessary for human relationships to function correctly, but not so much that people should build lives upon them.
I usually only tend to tell white lies that will make people feel better or good such as "That test was really hard. Don't worry about the bad grade". While I tend to tell these lies, I try to keep compliments on looks and personality as genuine as possible, as anything else would become flattery.
I do not remember telling a lie that would hurt someone as I have been brought up to face my mistakes, but there have certainly been times when i was hurt by lies. I try to move past this however, and remember that we all are human and prone to emotions such as fear, guilt, and anger that could facilitate these lies.

New Age Trophy Wife? Agreed

The essay "Trophy Wife" was based in the changing gender roles in today's marital scene. It's main premise was that men are no longer looking for an eye-candy wife, but that more and more they are looking for an "alpha female". This means they are looking for women who are high-powered, motivated, and successful.

This also takes the burden off men as the sole bread-winner for the family. This is the point I agree with most. Men have always been viewed as the success object, but today's economy, mixed with changing gender roles have changed that, much to my relief. I personally have always been pressured by this thought pattern- I was always told the mark of a man is to be able to take care of an entire family on his own.

I liked this essay because it spoke personally to me, and compared both men and women, older and younger men, and gender roles before and now.

Narrative Essay Subject

I really had no ideas come to mind when I found out I have a narrative essay coming up. "Significant events"? I'm 18. What in my life has happened to change my person of future? Nothing that's what.

Then again...

I have loved my music since I started. Its been a huge part of my life since I was was in seventh grade. I can remember the first time I picked up a sax clearly, like it happened last week.

So, I have my subject for my essay... I hope.